Losing my appetite...

Wednesday 23 September 2015

Hello everyone how are you? Today I was supposed to post an Autumn based salad recipe. At least that is what I had written in my oft-neglected weekly schedule, but just two weeks after posting about, how I was going to clean up my eating habits for September, I have to confess that hasn't happened. Not even a little bit.

I've been super busy and positive around these parts lately, because so many things in my life are going in the right direction, but as is so often the case, when some things are going right, some thing else ends up going very very left.

My appetite is that thing. My appetite has wandered off down a separate path, and I have no idea how to bring it back. And in my appetites back pack is my vegan will power, my love of cooking, my healthy routines, and any interest in getting those things back. In fact it isn't only that I'm not sure how to get by appetite to come back to me right now, it's that I can't even be bothered to try.

And I'm not entirely sure why.

On Monday when I posted my lists of wants, I said I wanted to be a healthy person, who cooked more.That's true, I do. As much as I imagine everything else on that list, I imagine myself to have a healthy relationship and routine when it comes to food. But unlike everything else on that list, right now, merely knowing that I ultimately want that, isn't enough to motivate me to put it into practice.

It's not just that I'm craving unhealthy food at the moment, it's that I'm not really craving anything. 

There are probably a number of factors contributing to this:
  • hormones
  • general weariness of being a vegan
  • changes in life recently
  • business
  • change in the weather

So many things have meant that food hasn't been a priority lately, but now that in itself is playing on my mind. I know I haven't been healthy and that is making me get a bit jittery about food, especially as it was this time last year when I started to get really unhappy about my health and body confidence. 

Not only that but eating unhealthily, or at least not eating properly, is leaving me feeling sluggish which in turn, is meaning I don't have much of an appetite and so the cycle continues.

When I started this post, I wasn't totally sure where I was going to end up going with it, but I felt it was important to be honest with you about this for a number of reasons.

Firstly, with all the talk of going after what I want, and how much good stuff I'm experiencing at the moment, I felt it was important to hold my hands up and say 'I'm not perfect.' That while so much is falling into place at the moment, this definitely feels like it is falling apart at the seams.

Secondly, when I went Vegan back in January, I always said that there would be instances where I broke the rules. Or rather that I would play by my own vegan rules, and aim to only ever do my best, and eat the cake if that is what I really wanted. The label 'vegan' is something I have seriously struggled with recently, whether that is trying to explain it to new people, or sticking to it when I'm sat in a restaurant or stood at the supermarket. I've been feeling trapped in by my decision, that breaking it so often was becoming hypocritical and that in some way it would be embarrassing to go back on that now, after having told people I'm a vegan, after having blogged about going vegan. I know that ultimately your diet is a personal decision, but I wanted to start that conversation with you guys, and just say that it is something I am reconsidering in some way.

Finally and perhaps most importantly, this is my space I come to to hash things out, as much as keeping a journal helps me clear my mind, having this open conversation with you and the people that stumble across this space really helps me work things through. Especially when my feelings about something are a bit higgledy piggledy.

I don't exactly have the answer to HOW I am going to get my appetite back on track, but at least here you can see that it is a work in progress. That as much as I know being healthy is something I want, it isn't always something I find easy. Maybe I'll get a few nights of good sleep, wake up have a healthy breakfast and something will click back into place, or maybe it will take a bit more working out than that, but either way I know that the change has to come from me. Hopefully sharing this with you, is me making a commitment to myself to start prioritising this as much as I have the other areas of my life.

Live life & take your appetite with you x

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