Monday 5 September 2016

Happy Monday everyone! The first Monday of September already! I know this year has gone so fast. That's not just a cliche. For me it feels fast, too fast, like the year has slipped away, and I may have nothing to show for it. That's me being very pessimistic. This year has been a fantastic year for so SO many reasons, but my drive, and development in my career, on 'my path' feels... stunted.

A lot of bloggers post monthly goals, and I used to do that too, but I SUCKED at following them through. My monthly goals were just something I was coming up with because that's what bloggers, and driven people did. They were goals with good intentions, but not well thought out intentions. And because they were goals I wasn't truly committed to, they were goals I "failed" at. Month in month out. So I stopped setting them. I had my to-do list, that I diligently ticked off each week, wasn't that enough?

Some weeks? Yes. Some weeks that to-do list contained great big huge things, that I attacked, and highlighted, and ticked off with gusto, but other weeks... most weeks... that to do list was, is, just a response. A response to what is right in front of me and needs to be dealt with. It's a to do list that gets me through the day and the week, that keeps me in the moment, but that disguises the bigger picture. Sure a lot of the time these to-dos DO in fact connect to that bigger picture, but I'm so rarely clear about how.

And I want to be clear. I want the vision of the 'me I want to be' to be so clear in my mind, that when I look in the mirror, for just a brief moment everyday, I see my reflection and believe myself to already be there.

But the me I want to be isn't made up of to do lists, or monthly goals. She is made up of attributes and adjectives and words. When I look at her, I don't see a list of things that I feel I am supposed to have done, I see words. Words like happy, grateful, driven, confident, positive, healthy.

So I've decided to stop focusing each month so vigorously on the tasks and the aims, and instead look at the words, the words that I want to be. This month I want to be brave.

I'm not talking sign up for a bungee jump brave (although maybe), I'm talking ringing my landlords and telling them that the bathroom HAS to be repainted brave. I'm talking going into a meeting and speaking with authority brave. I'm talking putting pen to paper, or type to screen brave.

This month I want to stop wussing out. I want to stop worrying and coming up with a hundred and one reasons not to do something, or a million and one bad outcomes that may happen and letting those things stop me. I will probably still do all that worrying and pessimistic fantasising but I want to go ahead and do it anyway. Because even if things do go wrong, that won't take away the fact that I was brave enough to do it in the first place.

This won''t be easy for me. I am a worrier, and sometimes my anxiety hits me out of nowhere, but being a worrier or anxious, doesn't make me a wuss. And a lot of the time, these are already things I use to drive me, to cover all bases, and get things done. This month isn't only about being brave when I normally wouldn't be it's also recognising when I am already brave, and giving credit where credit is due.

Because what we forget when we set these monthly goals, or think about the person that we want to be is that the end goal isn't separate to us. I won't one day wake up in a brand new body, with a brand new life, every part of me and my is and will be built on what has come before. I am already the person I want to be I just haven't exercised that yet. I haven't been brave enough to be her yet. But you've got to start somewhere right?

So here is to September, and being brave. Lets smash it x

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