My Blog Was Better When My Life Wasn't...

Tuesday 3 April 2018

Hello everyone, how are you? How was your Easter weekend?

I've been thinking a lot lately about why no matter how many times I set myself the goal of getting back into blogging, the urge to post just isn't there like it used to me.

During this thinking time I've come up with a number of reasons that might be causing this lack of enthusiasm:

  1. I've never really had a niche, and so it's hard to focus on what I should post
  2. It's hard to start once you stop 
  3. I'm never sure if anyone is really reading
  4. I don't know if I want to share my life as much as I used to
  5. Contradictory to point 3, I'm aware that quite a few people I know IRL are reading, friends, family, colleagues - and I can't edit which version of me they see on here like you do face to face

And while all of these are things that contribute to me not blogging - these are things that I've felt since I hit publish on my first ever blog, and they never used to stop me.

So what's really changed?

Well... in all honesty, my life is just much better now than it used to be.

And that's not to say that my life was ever truly bad (you guys know, I count my blessings regularly) but this blog was born because I felt so lost with my life, that I needed something to track my progress and anchor myself to a regular task.

My first ever post came when I moved to Manchester back in the summer of 2012, a move I'd made because I felt I had to do SOMETHING to change my life, and a permanent job in the arts didn't seem to be on the horizon. That's also when I first decided to set up my own theatre company, it's when I first started working as a community artist, and as much as that move to Manchester turned sour 2 years later, it also gave me the beginnings of something.

I had so many thoughts about who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do with my life that I simply HAD to get them out there for people to see and read, and hopefully connect with. I was confused and scared but through blogging about those feelings I could turn them into something hopeful or meaningful.

This blog was there when I felt claustrophobic, or when a boy I liked didn't text me back, and I spent evening after evening alone in the flat that nobody loved. It was there packed up safely with the rest of my belongings when I left (ran away from) Manchester and came home feeling like a failure. It was there when I walked out on my crazy bar job, there when I got my first (pretty good reviews) for my first solo show, and it was there between every restaurant shift I ever worked. When I felt like my life wasn't turning out how I wanted and I didn't know what to do about it, there was always a keyboard and a blog post that could be written. Something that not only helped me get my thoughts in order but that felt like at least I was doing something productive.

Even when things started to pick up, and I got my current job, there were still nights to be filled, and new feelings to process and my blog was there for that too.

Not only was my blog there, but you were too, whoever you are reading this right now.

Like I said, my life was never truly terrible, but it's certainly better now. 

Now I know who I am and have a pretty strong idea of what I want. Now I have a wonderful boyfriend and relationship. I have a close group of friends who I don't see as much as I like but I know are truly there when I need them. I have evenings filled with freelance work and I relish being on my own with nothing to do when I get the chance.

Now my life is pretty flipping good but my blog isn't.

All this time I've been trying to work out what the purpose of this blog is, and who it's for. Is it part of my work, is it for creative people? Is it to give advice on travel plans, or body positivity? Am I trying to inspire people, inform people help people?

When truly, the purpose and aim of this blog, was to help me get to where I am now. Maybe that sounds selfish, and I'm hoping it helped/entertained others along the way, but now that I'm here I don't really know what to do with this space.

Of course, there will always be wobbles, and I'm not 100% fixed (are any of us ever?) but the reason I don't post my Morning Monday motivational posts as much anymore is that I don't need them.

And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with this blog not being updated as regularly as it used to be, I'm ok with this blog not being full of the same content as it was before. And the more ok I get with this blog not being what it used to be, the more the opportunity opens up for it to be something else, something new with something old thrown in too.

I can feel that enthusiasm for writing coming back, partly because maybe I am ready for change, and I have a lot of thoughts running through my head that need organising on the screen, and partly because it's ok to let my old blog go. It doesn't mean I need to delete it or start again somewhere new, it just means that that chapter of my life and blog has ended.

So maybe my blog isn't as good as it used to be, but I'm definitely better, and given the choice I know which one I'd choose.

And who knows, maybe now I've realised that I can start to find the best of both worlds x

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