I Didn't Get The Call...

Tuesday 26 September 2017

A few months ago I wrote this post about waiting for a phone call and worrying that it was embarrassing to try and be a theatre maker again.

The overall message of that post was - no it isn't embarrassing to try, but then I didn't get the phone call, and when I applied to a similar opportunity a month or so after, I didn't get a call about that either. And while I don't feel embarrassed exactly, I do feel disheartened.

After only two applications I feel disheartened. Me. Who constantly preaches on this blog about not giving up.

I am a hypocrite.

But I'm not going to beat myself up about feeling this way.

Applying to anything is tough. And when you're excited by an opportunity, even though you know it's in no way a given, you get your hopes up. So it's ok to feel disappointed, and to mourn the idea of 'what could have been.' It's like going on a first date with somebody you really liked only to find out that they don't want a second. Even though in your heart of hearts you know it's not really personal, it just wasn't the right fit, it still sucks.

Sometimes, you feel disheartened for a little while, only to gee yourself up and get back on the horse again. You flirt with someone new, you go on a night out, and you once again start to imagine the new possibilities.

Other times, that rejection hits hard. And you realise it's less to do with the person or opportunity that didn't come to fruition, and more to do with you, and how you're feeling in general.

And you have to ask yourself why you wanted it so much. Did you want that specific thing or were you just looking for ANYTHING to make you feel ok?

I'm going to stop the dating metaphor here because I do not want to be that girl in a relationship trying to give cliched dating advice. But in life and dating, it is an important question, especially when a rejection seems to hit you harder than you maybe expected it to.

For me, feeling disheartened came with a big old portion of self-doubt. Maybe it was a sign that I just shouldn't bother. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe it's time to move on and focus on my other work instead. And I realised, I hadn't been applying to these things just because of the opportunities they offered, but because of the validation that came with them.

I'm still waiting for someone to give me permission. When if I really want to be making theatre, I'm the only one who has the authority to say 'go for it.'

In all honesty, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I'm not sure I have the energy to climb that hill like I used to.

That hill used to be my escape from a crappy situation, and work that I didn't want to do.

Now? I love my work. Sure I love writing and performing, but do I love it enough to do it on top of a full-time job that I already pour my heart and soul into?

Should I just be content with what I have? Because at this point, I'm not sure I'd class no longer trying to make theatre as giving up, I'd just be letting it go.

It's not an easy question to ask. Do you still want that thing that you fought for for so long?

And it's an even harder one to answer.

Right now, I still love the idea of making a show, I just don't seem to love it enough to actually get on and do it.

Maybe it's a question I'll never fully answer. Maybe it's a question where the answer will forever be changing. I'm not sure, but I'll keep you posted x

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