Getting Back On The Horse

Monday 13 March 2017

Hello my lovely readers and welcome to a new Monday! How are you?

In theory this should be a quick post as I'm typing it up on my lunch break (date and walnut toast if you were wondering). Yesterday was spent relaxing with the young man, a walk around a reservoir followed by an almighty pub Sunday roast. And while I could have typed this post up last night, I was still waiting for all my thoughts to sink in and settle... in a way I still am but for now this is what has happened and where I'm up to...

This weekend, for the first time in nearly three years, I got up in front of an audience and performed something I'd written. Not just a short something either, a 40 minute something. If you read this post, you may remember that as part of the Found In Blackburn project I was collecting peoples memories of Blackburn town centre to create a walking tour with a difference. Instead of leading people around and reeling off some facts and figures about certain buildings, I was letting them see Blackburn through the eyes of some one else, as I retold memories and stories that related to certain places in the town centre.

If I wanted to be really fancy I'd call the show a site specific promenade piece, which was partly made verbatim. But fancy means nothing to most people so instead I just called it a memory walk.

I'm not going to lie I was pretty nervous, not just when it came to the actual day but through out the project. I was afraid I was rusty, and that I'd never been that good in the first place. This fear is what has been preventing me from working on anything for myself for the past couple of years, and it is also what lead me to tidy my bedroom when I should have been writing for this project.

In all honesty if I hadn't been a) paid by some one else to do it and b) didn't have a deadline I really don't think I'd have ever written something for me to perform ever again.

But I was paid and I did have a deadline, and so though it may have come down to the wire with learning my lines, I did make a show, and I did perform. And it felt amazing.

Yes I had more stage nerves than I am used to, and yes before the first performance I thought about running away, but I didn't and while my audiences were small, standing there in front of 25 people and realising they were right there with me, listening to MY words, and smiling, I remembered just how amazing this had always felt... and always will feel.

Getting back on the horse isn't easy. But the best things so rarely are, that is what makes the high so dizzyingly wonderful. 

And while my adrenaline crashed and left me exhausted I was also buzzing. In fact I still am. Buzzing to get back on the horse again and put my ideas and plans into action.

I want to be a writer, and a performer. I want to make events happen, and blog, and help people find their creativity and it finally feels like all those things are aligning.

I have more that I want to say about the plans I have, but for now those things are going to have to wait, because my toast is going cold and my lunch break is nearly over so instead I will sum up with this.

If you are feeling like there is something in your life that is missing, or you stepped away from something for a while because you had your doubts, don't feel like that has to be forever. We can change our minds back and forth as much as we please. Yes in an ideal world we'd have one path and one horse and we'd stick to it, and go a hundred miles per hour, but ideal isn't realistic.

Realistic is being human. Admitting that you want things, but are scared to try and then doing them any way. Being human and admitting that you tried something and it didn't work, but that it doesn't mean you won't try again in thr future.

I got back on the horse, and I honestly couldn't have asked for it to go any better. But do you know what? Even if it had gone terribly, and put me off performing for a few more years, those memories and scars would eventually fade, and I'd be itching to be back in the saddle once more.

Nothing is final, and one horse might give you a smoother ride than another, but nothing beats that feeling of the wind in your hair, so saddle up x

ps. if any of you fancy a sneak peak at what I did BBC Radio Lancashire filmed a short snippet of me which I have lovingly title 'Darty McDarty Face' see if you can guess why...

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