Happy Sunday everyone! How are you? So far I've had the laziest weekend ever. I had intended to spend this rare weekend to myself getting all sorts of things ticked off my list. That skirt that has been waiting for me to sew it together for over 6 months is still in pattern pieces, my notebook is still sulking with me for not paying it more attention and my CV is still about 2 years out of date.
I'd like to just blame my cold, but it isn't just the sniffles leaving me feeling lacklustre.
A few weeks ago, I told you how I felt my creativity tank was running on empty recently, but now that I've spent some time thinking about it (over analysing it) I don't think the problem is with the fuel tank itself. I think the problem is with a blockage in the pipes. A great big sticky, not budging any time soon, blockage made up of fear. The fear that if I create something it won't be perfect.
It's true I don't embarrass easily. When the young man asked my parents if there any embarrassing photos of me, my dad said 'I've know her 25 years, and she doesn't embarrass easily.' So why al of a sudden do I have this block?
This block isn't just with my theatre work, it's happening here on my blog too. I'm sharing less, because I'm worried that a post 'isn't right.' I don't post on my instagram unless the photo is 'worthy' and I can't sit down at my notebook and write something just for fun. I've put too much pressure on my creativity. I want every creative outlet to be perfect. To be noteworthy. To be at the point where if somebody came across it, they couldn't pass a negative comment. I'm asking my creativity to do the impossible.
Even if I felt that every word I wrote was the perfect one, or if every photo I snapped was flawless, there would be somebody out there who would disagree. That's the beauty of creativity. It isn't meant to be perfect.
Sure something like writing a show and performing it has to be worked hard on, and it has to get to a point where I believe it is 'ready' but my blog? That is meant to be a place to show the workings and the ramblings, my instagram is meant to be instant, and my notebook is meant just for me.
It's ok to feel apprehensive just before going out on stage, but to feel it at my desk, to feel it before putting a single word on paper? That's not stage fright, that's just stupid. You can't make anything perfect, if you aren't making anything at all.
I've lost site that writing and creating and sharing, are things that I enjoy, not things to be consumed and judged. Not everything I write or perform is going to be perfect. There will always be editing to be done, changes to be made. The things I feel and believe will change. A show I wrote years ago, no longer feels like me, my very first posts on this blog make me cringe, but I'm not about to throw either of those things away. Because they are a log, a progression, and a snapshot of where I was at the time.
I should really just get on with it- create something and share it, or they'll be no record of where I am now to look back on. Because I'd rather look back at something and cringe, than look back and see nothing at all.
Creativity isn't meant to be perfect, it's meant to be creative - colouring outside the lines and making spelling mistakes because you can't get the words out of your head fast enough. I need to take my foot off the pressure pad, and let that creativity fuel seep through and remove the block in it's own time.
Live life & create something imperfect x
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