I've been trying to lose weight lately.
That's not something I say easily and I never use the word diet. I will say I am on a health kick - which is true I am, and of course, I want all the benefits that come with that, but the losing weight part has been and continues to be the main focus.
Admitting this to you gives me a lot of conflicted feelings.
Guilt - because I don't want to add to any sort of diet culture negativity and I know other people talking about their weight can be very triggering.
Embarrassment - because I'm not immune to diet culture and the shame it suggests you should feel if you're not the weight you, no, THEY, believe you should be.
Empowered - because while I might not be immune to diet culture and the toxicity that prevails, I am actually in a position where I feel confident with my body. It is MY body, and unless science takes some pretty huge leaps, it's the only body I will ever have.
Am I lying to you? Or worse, am I lying to myself?
I've thought about this a lot over the past two months. And so far this is the best I have come up, it's not elegant so stay with me.
I like, no, I love potatoes.
Over the years they've done a lot for me.
They've fueled and fed me and they've brought me comfort, and they've never made me ill, even if occasionally they've frustrated me when they refuse to cook perfectly.
Potatoes come in lots of different forms and I can't think of any form that I don't like.
A Jacket potato, of course, is your standard, roast potatoes are incredibly popular, arguably the most popular is a chip - or a skinny fry if you're western-centric.
But my favourite is mash potato. It's soft, comforting, and very versatile.
I like potatoes in all forms, but I, like everyone have a preferred version. Which is exactly how I feel about my body,
I like, no, I love my body.
Over the years it's done a lot for me.
It's carried me where I want to go, abled me to live the life I want, it's rarely given into illness and occasionally I get frustrated with it when it refuses to look perfect.
My body has come in lots of different forms.
Child, teenager, slim, not so slim.
It's a pretty standard form. A size 12-14. And while I know that a size 10 is incredibly popular, and arguably the most popular in the western-centric world is skinny.
But my favourite form is a lot like mash potato: soft and comforting. I'd say versatile but that sort of suggests flexible, and I have never been that.
This is where I am at the moment. I don't hate my body, which I'm sure a lot of you understand, is quite the statement to make. We live in a world where you're either perfect or your not. If your not, you're supposed to hate where you are and do everything you can to get perfect.
If you are perfect... you're still supposed to hate where you are, because undoubtedly there is someone somewhere telling you there's a more perfect version you should be striving for.
And that, when you think about it, is really sad.
Imagine never been able to enjoy a potato, because it wasn't completely and utterly perfect?
That's ridiculous. Even slightly lumpy mash is good. Even a less than Christmas Dinner Standard roast potato is still a thing of joy!
That might seem like a trivial comparison to make, and I hope you trust me when I say, I do not take body dysmorphia or eating disorders lightly.
I'm simply putting it in a way that has helped me understand where I currently am. Or at least where I hope I am.
Because at the end of the day I do want to lose weight, and I want to do it healthily, and I believe I am doing it for me but I am always aware that diet culture is there, lurking in the background. Ready to pounce when I least expect it. To tell me, I should have lost more, or shouldn't have eaten that. And a healthy body image can so quickly morph into something else.
So this blog post is here to remind me, and maybe you, that it's ok to want to change your body but that it's healthy to check in every now and then and check in about why you want to change and how that is making you feel.
Because, believe me, nobody wants a good potato to go to waste.
Love,
Spud x
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