I need a catch up...

Monday 10 October 2016

Hello everyone, and a happy Monday! How are you all? In all honesty, I'm not feeling too perky this Monday morning. I'm trying to keep out of my own head a bit and make sure that I don't predetermine this as a bad day or a bad week, but things have got me a little muddled lately. I've also been feeling like a lot of my posts have been a little abstract lately and that it might be nice to fill you all in on what is happening behind the blog. So lets grab a brew and catch up, and hopefully by the end of it I'll be feeling a little better (because I'm selfish like that) and hopefully this will be cathartic or reassuring in some way for you too.

If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you'll know that I'm currently based in Blackburn (not too far from Manchester) working at getting people more engaged and excited about theatre and art. For the past two and a half years this has been an amazing job, but sadly all good things must come to an end. Especially when they are arts council funded. We first found out that we weren't getting the funding we were hoping for this time last year. Since then I've been in funding limbo, writing bids, waiting to hear back from them, and being once again unsuccessful. I got the latest piece of bad news last week. And this time, it feels really final.

It's been a pretty hard year keeping morale up while going through this process. And at times scary because with bid uncertainty comes a lot of job uncertainty. Not only that but I work with a lot of volunteers who are really invested in the project so keeping them positive has been really important. I think all of this has been more tiring than I realised, because last week when I heard the bad news (yet again) instead of crying or getting angry (like I had previously) I felt numb. And tired. Really really tired.

This all sounds a bit doom and gloom doesn't it? When actually I am in a fairly lucky position because I have an office that keep fighting to keep me employed, and my manager very kindly goes on maternity cover next month, so I do still have a job for the immediate future. Of course, there is talk of other bids, and while the main project I work on seems to be coming to an end, I have other projects that are continuing and keeping me busy (one day a week at least). This is a lot more, than most people who work on the type of projects that I do have, when they find out their bid is unsuccessful. So this is a classic case of trying to balance feeling grateful while still admitting that the whole thing is just a bit crap.

It's all got me thinking about listening to what the universe is trying to tell me. Is it time for me to move on? Have I got comfortable here? Or should I fight for the work that I love? Am I fighting for me, or for everyone else who is invested? And do I still love the work? Because after a year of waiting in limbo, and hating every minute of it, it's hard to distinguish between the actual work that I do and this horrible unavoidable side product.

Follow that with a weekend of small but truly irritating incidents of bad luck (bad customer service, traffic incidents, disappointing food) I do feel a little bit like life where I am right now is rejecting me.

So that's where I am right now with life in general. Confused and tired and frustrated.

I'm also currently trying to figure out if my new blog schedule is working for me. Last Friday was the first time I've missed a post since relaunching at the end of August. While this isn't something I'm going to beat myself up about, it did get me thinking. Is posting a creative interview once a week too much? Is there enough room in my blog schedule for posts like this? Is there more things I could be sharing that might be of benefit to somebody? Posts like my tips for public speaking, or writing, or creating? These are all things I run workshops on, and get paid to do, would that be of interest to anyone if I put it up on here?

And then, the other golden question is, should I spend less time blogging, and take this time to work on getting more freelance work, or even better actually write a new show? And does it need to be one or the other, or if I'm really serious about it, should other things, like netfilx, be off the menu for the next couple of months? Is that the hustling type of lifestyle I want to lead?

Quite a lot of big questions going around in my head at the moment, and I am making it sound like I'm spending a lot of time staring at the walls, and reevaluating my entire existence. Which while tempting, isn't how I'm spending most of my days.

I've been getting out and exercising more. I'm trying to get back into healthy eating, and working on my 'STYLE' this month, has come with a pleasant side project of seriously decluttering my flat. I've also downloaded Memrise and I'm brushing up my German. My new camera arrived last week, so I am playing with that. The young man and I have a trip to Dublin planned at the end of the month, and I'm desperately trying to catch up with friends who are all over the place. And whether the arts council and the gods that be want me to or not, I am still making theatre and art happen.

This has been a very self indulgent post, but I definitely feel much better for having got all of that out of my head and on to the screen. I hope that if there is anything you can take away from it, it's a reminder that we can all get overwhelmed sometimes. Life doesn't run smoothly, and we all experience bumps in the road. Those bumps may be mole hills in comparison to other peoples mountains, but they can still make your stomach lurch as you drive head strong over the top of them.

What's going on with you guys at the moment? Is it just me or has that gorgeous Autumunal air, bought a wind of bad luck with it for a lot of people lately? And what do you think to some of my smaller blogging related questions? Or even my bigger life related questions? I'd love to hear from you, and remember if you too need a catch up, or a rant, or anything, I am always only a tweet or an email away x

Follow me on Twitter | Bloglovin’ | Instagram

Post a Comment


© A Cup Of Creative. Design by FCD.